Slippery When Wet
by Simply Hopeless
Summary: Rub-a- dub dub, a dumb blonde has a fish in his tub. He fished for some breakfast and nearly pulled back a nub. Naruto barely has any sense and Gaara is far from innocent. It's a modern twist on a mermaid… err merman tale gone awry; don't as me why. Yaoi. NaruGaa
1. Chapter 1

Hello, this is Simply Hopeless, also known as Assassin's Kiss and I am here with a new story. Why am I typing a new story when I have a gazillion stories waiting for me? Because I have writer's block and sometimes writing something new helps clear my head, plus I've been watching a lot of fairytale inspired shows. Shows like Grimm, Once Upon a Time and Sleepy Hollow really gets a girl excited. How do mermaids play a role in this? How should I know? They are fairy-tale-ish and sometimes I try not to question my crazy muses in my head so here goes nothing. I hope you guys enjoy, it's short but sweet, I guess. I might write more if people review it and show me they wanted it to continue. **I also will be coming back to AFF and FF on Halloween 2013 with a few updated stories from several different animes so look forward to that.**

Slippery When Wet

Lips pursed tightly together as azure orbs glared at the trussed up redhead in his rusty bathtub. It had taken a lot of cursing and finagling on his part to tie up his captive without the demented thing trying to go at his ear again like a Mike Tyson reject.

The blonde swore every curse word under the sun and then some when he was forced to sit on the closed toilet lid and blindly poured peroxide on his battered left ear. It burned like a motherfucker and caused a diluted trickle of blood and peroxide to dribble down his strong jawline and splash against some of the cuts on his collarbone. Clumsily he stood up, checked the damage, swore, and delicately tried to bandage the tattered flesh the best he could with the small first aid kit he miraculously found taped behind the toilet's tank.

Once that was taken care of the frustrated blonde sat back down on the toilet to continue to glare at his attacker even as he began the painful task of cleaning and bandaging the bite marks and scratches on his tanned arms and legs. He wouldn't have even been surprised if he needed a tetanus shot or at least rabies shot after this. And when things were all said and done he was still hungry, as he paused in his actions to rub apologetically at the tone muscles of his abdomen.

'Fuck Mother Nature!' He cursed mentally even as he tossed another bandage wrapping in the plastic trashcan.

All the while the blonde was clumsily taking care of himself, the mint green eyes of his attacker looked aloofly back at him. Occasionally his pouty, blood stained lips would twist into something of a sadistic smirk at his handiwork and the colorful words that rang out in the tiny bathroom. But then he'd scowl down at the coarse ropes that bound his limbs tightly together and then try to bite at them with his abnormally sharp teeth.

His pale cheeks and neck were still flushed pink from his earlier struggle with the blonde idiot before he tried to break his restraints in earnest. This only resulted in the redhead flopping around the tub like a brainless fish out of the water. But no matter how much he rocked, flailed and wiggled, the rusty monstrosity he was trapped in refused to budge and only rained some more rusty bathtub flakes onto his pale skin.

The bits of rust were already starting to irritate his delicate skin, but he refused to complain to the blonde twit. They had moved past bargaining a long time ago after he had taken a healthy mouthful of the blonde's ear. So until the redhead could find another way out of the situation he rested heavily on one side, his pale cheek pressed against the cool lip of the tub. That was until the redhead hoisted himself up just a little bit to spit a gob of blood on the dirty tiled floor. Not his of course, the blonde's.

If the blonde in question weren't so incredibly pissed off, he would have thought the guy inside the badly maintained tub was kind of hot. Short, siren red hair that was unnaturally bright and vibrant, complimented his cool, mint green eyes. The redhead had a lithe frame that rippled seamlessly like the waves of an ocean when he moved and pouty lips given to scowling. He didn't even mind the scales. Honestly. The blonde had never seen someone in real life, except for maybe Sasuke bastard, with skin that milky white.

People he usually saw with that type of skin usually burst into flames on television and movies, and/or suffered from some wicked harsh sunburns that made them resemble a red lobster when UV rays met flesh. For example, his best friend and his brother had to carry large bottles of suntan lotion with them practically everywhere they went and that still didn't guarantee they didn't sizzle like fatty bacon hitting a hot pan; that is unless they toted an umbrella with them during particularly sunny days.

The blonde didn't realize he had forgone glaring at the redhead to eye raping, until the psychopath in his bathtub spat out that bloody reminder that he bit him.

"Look here you little fucker, if you had stopped struggling so damn much in the first place I'd have been happy with just taking an Instagram pic of you and sending you on your merry, fucking way. You'd probably go off and murder a school of fish afterwards; but who the hell am I to deny a sadistic bastard his pastime. But nooooo… instead of playing nice you bit, scratched, smacked and damn neared tried to drown me. I should fucking fillet your ass!" he hissed out the last part, nostrils practically flaring in his anger.

Honestly it wasn't much of a leap, the idea of filleting the redhead because a) he was starving and b) the psycho in his bathtub was a mermaid… merman… merperson? The blonde surfer didn't honestly care what the redhead was beyond whether he might carry a disease. He had honestly thought these half man/half fish creatures was some hocus pocus fairytale stuff like the Easter Bunny or Lady Gaga ever being sane.

The only reason he had found the merman was because he was hungry. The blonde, named Naruto, wasn't much of a fisherman. But when he found his perverted Uncle Jiraiya's old fishing net he had hoped to catch something this morning. He would have tried eating more ramen again, but there had barely been anything inside the beach house that his Uncle had left for him to eat while he babysat the house over the summer; and he sure as hell didn't have any money. Just enough for a week's worth of ramen and the last two packs he had to cut in half just so the police wouldn't have to draw a chalk line around his malnourished corpse.

So he thought he'd go the pioneer route and try his hand at being a fisherman. How hard could it be? He had seen enough of the show Deadliest Catch to at least know how to set up a net. So even as he boiled his last small block of ramen, he had went to bed with little fishies dancing in his head. As soon as it was morning he had thrown anything on that was somewhat clean so that he could check the net only to find the red-haired monstrosity that had pissed off the blonde enough to drag the psycho bastard home, deposit him in his bathtub and begin the glaring match that still didn't solve the mystery of what the hell he was going to eat as his stomach began to speak in tongue.

Naruto asked, as he realized that the person who could easily solve his dilemma was his prickly best friend. "Hey Sasuke-teme, is it still considered cannibalism if half of the meal is fish?"

Apparently the redhead understood human because he began to struggle once more in earnest. It was a pity, indeed that it wouldn't be that easy for Naruto to get rid of the redhead.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello Simply Hopeless a.k.a. Assassin's Kiss here with a new chapter for you. I'd figure I'd give you one more chapter of 'Slippery When Wet' before I buckle down and start working on the other stories. I thank the very few people who bothered to review this story even though I know you guys are anxious for Halloween and what stories I'll be updating again. But please don't forget to show this story some love by telling me what you like about it. It's brand-spanking new and waiting for some readers to fall in love with it and the zany characters. Well hope you love it cause I love it, and see you on Halloween!

**Slippery When Wet**

"I'm going to hang up on you, dobe," Sasuke growled out in lieu of answering his best friend. He had known it was a risk to pick up the phone when the idiot was on the line. But unfortunately for him he kept having high hopes that Naruto would say something intelligent this time around. Yet it always fell short of happening.

Naruto hesitated from looming menacingly over the flopping redhead in his Uncle Jiraiya's rusty tub, in order to cock his head in bemusement. "That's the right word, right? If a zombie eats a human then that's being a zombie or an overzealous extra from The Walking Dead. But if a human eats another human then that's cannibalism and a no-no, right"

"…" What the hell was Sasuke suppose to say to that? 'Zombie eat human good, human eat human bad? In what fucking universe would any of that be right or good?' So he settled for keeping silence until the blonde fool elaborated further.

Naruto decided in that moment to slowly kneel at the side of the rusty tub to look at the redhead eye to eye when all he got was silence from his friend. He watched as luminous, sea foam eyes rounded before narrowing suspiciously when the blonde dared to come near him. Even though the merman had left him a tattered mess, he seemed like an intelligent enough creature that understood that he stood on a precipice.

There was no use trying to bite through the rope or tug at it when all it did was leave his mouth dry and the area under the rope raw. The damn tub was to heavy for him to turn over and it was quite hard to climb out a tub when your legs were one big fish tail. So the redhead did the only intelligent thing he could; he bared his sharp teeth in warning even as he tried to press himself as far from the human as possible. But the blonde only offered him a serene smile as he carefully lifted both hands up to show he was harmless; his cell phone was carefully cradled between his shoulder and ear so as to allow him more freedom.

The merman began to let out a hissing sound in the back of his throat that startled Naruto for a moment. He nearly fell on his ass, he was so surprised but just as quickly as his heart started to quicken, the blonde let out a soft chuckle. "Didn't know you could do that," he mused aloud. He was still all pearly white teeth and all kinds of niceties when suddenly. He wanted to loll the redhead so that he wouldn't be so guarded. And just as the redhead's shoulders un-hunched just a little bit, he reached out his hands like a cobra strike.

Strong, tan fingers quickly tangled and gripped the vibrant, red hair on the back of the merman's head. Naruto tried to wrap as much of the short hair as he could around his fist so that he had control of the sea creature's head even as he pinned the already bound wrists down with his other large hand. It was done so violently and quick that it elicited a pained moan from the merman and the wet squelching of a body forced to adjust in a small tub with water in it.

"What was that sound, dobe?" Sasuke asked cautiously. The raven had entertained ideas of hanging up. He probably would have after his first threat, but he was slightly bored and partly hoped that his best friend had somehow stumbled onto one of Jiraiya's old stashes from the 70s. The med student wouldn't mind getting high with his friend to ease the tension of taking exams. But it seemed clear that someone else was in the same room as his delusional best friend, instead of a drug induced phenomenon like Kami intended. So whatever Naruto was talking about cannibalism may just come to pass if he didn't strengthen this shit out quickly.

Naruto ignored Sasuke's question this time, pressing on to what he was getting at. "If I find something that was human, but not quite. And I feel like eating on the part that's not, it can't be cannibalism, right? If he looks delicious enough, it wouldn't be wrong to bite him even here, right?" He questioned even as he readjusted his hold on the back of the merman's head so he wouldn't be able to bite. He was in complete control and the captive knew it. It was a heady feeling as soon as he assured his own safety, he bent his blonde head down to gently scrap his teeth against a chilled, pale shoulder. The taste of sea-brine and something undetectably wild exploded on his tongue and sent his tone tummy, growling in need. He could lick this merman like a lollipop and still not feel satisfied.

But before he could ponder further on this possibly new addiction, his teeth nearly pierced the merman's flesh. It was because the redhead, who had lain stiff like a dead fish since he had been manhandled, jerked suddenly in alarm. Quickly before the redhead could retaliate by trying to slap him with his fin or renew his struggling, he pressed his hot lips against the jugular of that milky throat. "Or what if I take a big juicy bite here Sasuke?" His question was shaky and slightly muffled as his slightly dull teeth teased along the throbbing jugular of the stricken merman, which only drew a ragged breath from his captive.

If the blonde had been serious in taking the cannibal route all he needed to do was bite down hard here and let the poor fucker bleed out. Then he could season and fillet him before enjoying the fruits of his labor. Shit, if he planned it right he could dine for days if he wasn't squeamish about eating the top half. But even as his stomach rumbled eagerly at any idea of food, he decided to take a different route by playfully nipping the vulnerable neck hard enough to leave slight indentions of his teeth, but not hard enough to tear the flesh. His azure eyes lit with devilish glee when he finally lifted his handsome head to see the merman staring in alarm at the blonde's actions, pouty lips slack open in surprise.

Naruto was almost tempted to kiss the merman to see what other reaction he could get out of the redhead. But that was asinine. He was more than sure that if his captive's arms weren't bound and held down, then the redhead would finger the place where he was bit before trying to bite him back or even worse. So to distract the merman from retaliating he began to gently massage the back of the sea creature's head even as he prepared to stand. "You knew you deserved that for what you did to me," he scolded lightly, offering an appeasing smile. "But I'll be damned if you aren't a pretty, feisty thing. I won't be eating you just yet, I think."

"Don't flirt with someone else while you're on the fucking phone with me Uzumaki! Did you seriously forget I was on the phone?" Sasuke growled out, pissed. The idiot was his! His friend he meant. There was nothing sexual about how possessive he was of the blonde that had bulldozed into his life. But he'd be damn if he were forced to hang out with another brainless twit and have her hog up his blonde. He was an Uchiha and he was used to getting what he wanted, including a certain blonde's attention.

Naruto wasn't certainly the brightest crayon in the Crayola box, but he knew that if he didn't assuage his prissy friend's feelings now, then the teme would be giving him the silent treatment for a week. And then where the hell will he get free food and health care services if he pissed off his friend? It took months for the Uchiha to like him enough to even entertain the idea of being friends, but it took little to nothing to piss him off.

So carefully he picked himself up off the ground, his hand still gently stroking the merman's head to keep him at bay, like he would a skittish animal. Finger pressed to his lips for silence from the merman, he turned his back on the redhead with a wink and gave his friend his undivided attention.

"Sassycakes did I hurt your feelings by ignoring you?" He chuckled in amusement. "You know I could never forget about you. I'd flirt with you any day if that meant getting what I wanted," he practically purred out.

"Idiot, I'm not bringing you any food and stop calling me Sassycakes you asshole. It took me weeks to convince Aniki to stop calling me that after that one slip up of yours. God forbid if our other friends heard half of the other stuff you try to get away with me," Sasuke grumbled, sounding quite flustered.

"But Sassycakes is sassycakes. Remember that time I dressed up as a pimp and had convinced you, well blackmailed you, to dress up as my number one ho… hello? Sasuke-teme did you hang up on me?" Naruto asked, chuckling nervously when he heard the dial tone. Then cursed softly to himself when he realized that he most have pissed off the Uchiha more than he thought while trying to help alleviate hurt feelings. He was not the most tactful person for sure, but surprisingly he remained flushed with friends. All who had things to do this summer while he was stuck babysitting his Uncle Jiraiya's home, leaving his prickly friend the only food source for miles.

"Well isn't that just fucking great? I'm still hungry and I can't eat you because you might give me indigestion and a guilty conscious. So what do I do Red? 'Cause I'm five seconds from reconsidering the whole cannibalism thing," he grumbled, pouting. He wasn't kidding. He was just that hungry, despite the fact that he loved exotic marine creatures like octopi, sharks and apparently rare, psycho mermen.

"You can untie me and stop drooling obsessively over my body. I promise I won't attack you anymore if you don't," sighed out the redhead. Scathing glares and vicious attacks did little to the dense blonde but get him a bite on the neck and the feeling that the blonde human probably would try to cook him or molest him.

"Merman say what?!" Naruto cried out in total shock. First guy mermaids that attacked and now to find out they talked too. Today was full of surprises. He mumbled as much to himself as he eyed the merman cautiously. Then seeing that unless he wanted to drag Sasuke into this matter, he was better off untying and trying to have a civil conversation with the red head, he got to work untying the knots.

"You know this shit would have run that more smoothly if you just spoke up instead of attacking me in the first place. Honestly, it's not like you're a Disney mermaid who made a bad deal with a sea witch. You can fricking talk! How awesome is that? Do you speak to whales and shit like Aquaman or something. That'd be epic if you did," he began to rattle off excitedly. This was so much better than Shark Week or Deadliest Catch. Who could claim they had a real, live, talking fish man in their tub.

But even as he was prepared to settle on the toilet and ask the redhead more insipid questions, he heard a knock on the door.

"Who the hell can be knocking on the door this late at night?" He questioned, a little pissed off. He was eager to talk more with the merman but if the guy at the door didn't stop knocking on his door like a maniac then he wouldn't be able to think straight enough to ask his first question. So with a sigh he stood up and walked out the bathroom, assured the merman really couldn't go anywhere. There wasn't really that much water inside a house.

"I'm coming! Damn!" he growled out, yanking the door open. He was prepare to give the solicitor an earful when he received a shock. There standing at the door was another ethereal beauty from the sea. Except this sea creature was stark naked, had long chocolate locks and human legs with iridescent fish scales here and there. "Well I'll be damned," was all he could say before it happened.

Pupiless lavender eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight as the brunette quickly swung a huge flounder at the blonde, knocking him out cold. Then delicately the chocolate haired merman stepped over the graceless body of the blonde human with a huff. His hand carelessly tossed the still flopping yellow and blue striped flounder to the side.

"Damn it Gaara, you're too old to be caught in a fishnet," the brunette scolded as he came further into the house.

The red head shrugged nonchalantly as he stepped out of the bathroom if it was no sweat off his back. Gone was his fishy tail and there were two long legs similar to the slightly scaly ones of the brunette. "Took you long enough, Neji," he deadpanned while smacking off bits of rust.

"You could've easily dispatched of him and returned on your own Gaara," Neji began in on his lecture as he neatly turned around. He had seen the capture of his best friend and charge clearly from a hidden sea cave. He had hesitated to come to Gaara's rescue because the redhead was a vicious little thing who could handle himself most of the time. But surprisingly enough the blonde human refused to cower at Gaara's ferocity and there was too much daylight out to stage a rescue without fear of being spotted in his nude magnificence.

The redhead waited until the brunette disappeared out the door before he looked fondly at his blonde captive. "See you later loser prince," Gaara murmured affectionately. Then bent down to place his first ever kiss on the unconscious blonde's lips. He could barely relish in the feeling of those chapped lips against his own when suddenly he jerked his head back seconds later. His bottom lip totally bloody from the sudden bite from what he had thought was a knocked out blonde.

"This isn't fucking over, tuna breathe," spat out Naruto, smiling a bloody smile that would do Gaara proud under normal circumstances.

"I hope not," Gaara purred out dangerously. He leaned closer to the frustrating blonde before smacking his forehead against Naruto's and knocking him out cold. He then closed the door, singing under his breath, "Sha-la-la-la-la, my, oh, my, look at the boy too shy, he ain't gonna kiss the girl..."

Nope, Naruto wouldn't be kissing any girls, if Gaara had anything to say about it.


End file.
